Thursday, July 31, 2008
Sick sick sick , Stupid Weather ! zzzzzzz
Zzzz, sick for like 3 days already ??? had flu and cough for quite awhile , only these 3 days very jia lat jia lat . tues (29/7) work 3 hrs than go home (5-8) cuz buay tahan alr , was doing bistro cashier than gt few times see blur and double vision liao , so sup (chee wee) ask me to go home rest . lucky was on tues cuz don need mob and sweep the floor so they can afford to 1 man down in closing . today did not go sch either , whole day at home rest like zombie still nvr recover much so decided to call and cancel today's work also , some more today by rite should stock take de bt really scare like tues like tt halfway go home , go i call to cancel would be better .
Tmr gt NAPFA Test sia , die liao la , lol . Jus hope i can recover much to fit for all those things ba , *Pray* . Nth much today , stay at home and rot while resting bt seems nvr recover much til now than feel slightly better , whole day use com watch anime , anime and anime , no mood to even dota sia , so sick and lazy to move my hand .
alrite , nth much , jus wanna let yr know at least nth bad happen to me other than the sickness , i am quite glad , jus hope tis will continue ba .
~SickOut~
Friday, July 25, 2008
i dont hope for good things, i only hope no more bad things, can i ???
can i dream positively and hope it really happens?? if cannot than can i AT LEAST wish for no more bad things happen to me, my frens, my family ma??
I will think more positive (at least think more neutral rather than positive as i don hope for it, i scare the more i hope positive ,the deeper i will sink it went wrong so rather think neutral , as long as no more bad things happens i am alrite with it.)Rite now i DON'T ask for good things happen to me, i DON'T ask for smile, laugh, cheerful, happiness. i only ask for NO MORE sadness to me and my surroundings, no more pain, no more pressure and NO MORE worst things coming to me , thats all i ask for , can i ???
~NeutralOut~
Calmly and think abt my probs.... recap ....
My situation actually wount be tis bad IF u think individually of those probs . BUT the probs now lies with ALL these prob do LINK up to cause even more harmful and bad situations. its jus like a tornado , it form from jus pure wind , as it hits the house or items from the ground , it picks up deadly sharp objects and bring them along , tis tiem it becoem serious tornado...
starting is cuz gambling (yea tt i really admit is my fault and i stop alr), i keep losing money no matter how i try to study on the soccer stats. Soon follow by family probs , so have to help out in paying house bills and etc , phone bill , sch fee , sch items til even no money , due no money AND other issues so seldom meet up with my galfren (now ex).Due all these things happen too closely the timing tt i gt very unstable emotions and thinking tt i accidentally hurt a gals feelings by giving her false hope . All jus went too 'smoothly' jus like the tornado tt nth can stop it coming , the only thing u can do is jus wait like a sitting duck , u cant do anything without thinking it properly and neither u have the time to think properly . so every single things jus came up knocking to me til i collapse .
Ppl all keep saying to me , not to give up , all have their ups and downs so must jia you , must cool down and think of a way , everything sure has a way to solve it and alot alot more . GALS , I REALLY THANK YOU ALL FOR THE MORAL SUPPORT.
Ok, thanks is over, now back to topic ..... ppls, plz enlighten me a/some PRACTICAL way/s to solve it instead of more 'theory' ways to comfort me (still will say thnks if still give moral support) . i know tt tis i have to solve myself bt is there any PRACTICAL ideas and ways ma ??
i am still feeling blue, blur, hurt, unstable especially on emotions things such as relationship things, feeling numb also to all these bt the feeling's jus sucks ...
~NumbOutStill~
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
I am feeling numb already ....
Had fever since sunday(20/7) night , but the fever last til now (22/7:Tues) , so call to Ikea to tell them i cannot work today. Did not see doctor cuz although fever for 3 days le but ystd was still alrite , so nvr see doc.
And so another thing happen , today alot of the staff also sick but they still so work despite they are sick, but i was the ONLY 1 tt sick and nvr go work . well , others are sick but can still go work bt y cant i ?? They sure 100% gt say things abt me wan , comon i know the staff too well , more or less they sure there saying things abt me (may nt be all of them , only some). And there goes , end up due i cannot work , they have to find another sick staff to O.T til closing 10.30pm from MORNING 8 am !!!! now i am bad guy again , i feel so dam freaking guilty and moody now , shit i hate the feelings .... Ok tell yr smth , chee wee (1 of the supervisor) somehow tell me tt i got quite a number of bad record in Ikea such as nvr come work due small things or etc and alot more , tt time i hear tis thing i dam piss off .... maybe i really do have a bad record or watever shit , so if really tts the case than if i am causing trouble to them 1day i would jus volunteer myself to quit than since i have so many bad record since tts wat chee wee say. Anw i would have quit way long time ago if not for the sake of winnie tt Ikea so so shortage of manpower , so rite now wats the point of staying if i have been told to have quite an amount of bad records ??
Its ok .... suan le , suan le , i am feeling numb on all these le .... suan le .... sigh ....
~NumbOut~
Sunday, July 20, 2008
I'm going berserk and insane soon ................... yea soon .........
Money problems, Family problems, Relationships problem, Friendships problem.
can i jus sleep and when i wake up :i gt no money shortage, still happily with me galfren & her parents allow us to be tgt, no family money issues problem , no friendships problem ???????? OH GOD , CAN U GRANT ME THESE WISHES????
i am really tired , i cant face my frens, my brothers , i don't dare to do a single things now b'cus it will jus end it bad , i don dare to go out now cuz i have no money , i don't dare to stay at home listen to my family problems ..... i don dare to do anything ......... i jus wanna feel like dying ................................ fuck it sucks the feeling ....
OH GOD Y ARE U TREATING ME TIS WAY , WHY U MERCILESS THROWING ALL THE THINGS TO ME AT 1 SHOT , I CAN'T EVEN BREATH AND DON'T EVEN DARE TO BREATH CUZ I SCARE I MIGHT JUS COLLAPSE ONCE I LET GO ....
~DieOut~
Ok, i had ENOUGH of tis F****** things , i had enough .....
ARE U HAPPE NOW ALVIN ? TT U HURT A GALS FEELINGS NOW , HAPPY NOW ?!?!? U HAVE DONE IT U STUPID ALVIN!!!
I had enough, i really wanna escape, i wanna run, i wanna be the coward. i have alr reach the ground of my luck and wats more , my luck is digging into underground.
I cant think properly now ... i jus cant, i scare tt WATEVER SINGLE things i do now will hurt somebody cuz i CANT think properly now, i thought i am thinking properly and carefully bt in the end everthing jus screwed up .... watever i do , i screwed up hard .....
2008, Its my ITE Nitec last year , after tt intend to go poly with my gd results bt i screwed it ...... i drop to 3.533 overall (tis term i gt 2.735) which i NEVER EVER cross my mind b4 to gt tis low cuz i did WATEVER i can to help maintain it i even think to worst is only 3.8 bt end up 3.533 ..........
The gal tt i really love alot alot and had been tgt for 3 yrs 11 mths . the love bridge collapse in the end . her parent don allow her to have bf which really had alot of restriction. i cant go out with her openly , cant go her hse if her parent is at home , cant meet her up , cant have dinner with her parent as her bf status, can go out at night for movies or etc with her alone unless her parent don know (which the same as can go out openly)... it sucks .... it really does ...........................................................................................................................................
soccer bet all lose , big amount , small amount ALL JUS LOST no matter how i study , how i analyst the team , in the end i no money til i even borrow money from my brothers for my phone bills etc , family problems on money issues. since than i DID NOT BET AT ALL EVEN TIL NOW bt WHY i still cant gather the money to return my bros ! everytime i gt my pay , phone bill , ezlink card , some family house electric bills, etc etc , no money to return them again and again and again which i really SICK AND TIRED OF HAVING NO MONEY AND STILL OWE MY BROS MONEY!!!!
Due to no money , i kept myself close to outside world , i don't go out , don't shop , don't dare to go out with my brothers cuz i have gt PENNILESS in my wallet nor my bank . (i don mind telling yr , RITE NOW my bank left with $5). Everyday stay at home use computer , computer computer, the moment i think abt going out i no mood , cuz no money. i wanna say sry again ESPECIALLY to my Ex , i really let her down alot alot alot , everytime she ask me to go out , i will reject her cuz i gt no money , i really don't have the mood and money to go out , to be honest there are times i cry silently at home quite afew times , why ? cuz i let alot of ppl suffer due to my foolishness . i really stop betting for very long bt y i jus can't save money ?? i am really tired ............. the feelings sucks .....
wanna buy bicycle , no money. wanna take driving theory lessons , no money. wanna go out ,no money (year of 2008 i have buy none to myself things). i ... am .... really .... tired ...... i really do ................
i started to feel numb on all the bad things tt i cant think properly . now wats more , i have hurt a persons feelings once again , somemore its a gal tt i hurt ......... (i am such a bastard myself) FUCK!!! i should not give her false hope and even went down to bedok which causes chaos to her and causes worse than hell to myself .......
Family had alot of troubles through , money issues , money issues and money issues , fuck it .... i got no money to help my family , tts feelings sucks .... it hurts .......
HOLY FUCK ! my birthday , 20Aug , i don't wish to think abt it again , bad .... real bad things coming more ....... it wount jus end here .... i going to be insane soon .... i am tired , of everything , of everysingle thing i have done , every single fucking wrong things i have done , every single things i hurt my frens and family every single things to do to dissappoint my ex , every single moment of NO MONEY . I am like jus a sitting duck , no money to go out , cant do a single shit , dunno wat am i doing also , i really going insane soon ........ really .....
overall summary ------> I HATE MYSELF ............... bye ............. i am really tired tt i really scare of every things alr , watever i done jus nth will nicely end it . can i die to jus fucking end everyting ?
~FuckOut~
~PennilessOut~
~HurtOut~
~Sick and Tired Out~
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Jus some recap and thanks !!
Well, maybe u can consider tis to be smth SLIGHTLY to be smiling on.
Thanks lots lots to my brothers (Qx,Jas,Tick Ann, Preston, Xi Yang and Jimmy) for finding a day all gather and accompany me to let me feel better bros. I really appreciate it and i really enjoy the accompany , the majong , the eating at railway mall there and everything . thanks man!
Thanks to those (mei and frens) who cannot meet me up bt gt almost everyday msg me to pei me when i am feeling low, tts a great help and comfort for me, always there msg me to see how have i been doing these few days and weeks.
Thanks Eleanor for also check me out to see how i feel and doings laterly , thanks gal ^^
Thanks SiYin and Elaine for accompany me in msg when i feeling down and sad , yr almost everyday msg me to check me out yea, really appreciate it gals , thanks especially to Elaine, later phone bill blast than u jia lat jia lat , hahahaha thanks alot again.
THANKS EVERYONE !! I will not say tt i fully recover bt i will slowly standup and start walking again , jus tt the fall is deep and alot , i jus need more time to climb up back.
~Thanks Out~
Monday, July 7, 2008
There Goes My First Day Of School Re-open.....
Sigh ... First day school re-open , know wat ?!?!? Morning first thing I got is sprain my leg (How "Wonderful"). Although its not really tt jia lat bt nt going school today le ... so down here blogging lo . Tis year is
NOT a gd yr , I can't imagine wat will happen tis whole yr left (seriously i really gt tis feeling smth bad will gona happen on my birthday, nt B'cuz tis yr sucks so anyhw think bt i really gt tis bad feeling, i really hope is i think too much)
This Yr Gd Archievement: I Can't Think Of EVEN 1 !!!
This Yr Bad Archievement: Owe my brothers $$ , Breakup , Bad Result , Sick Here @ There So Frequently And way alot more things .
Well enuf for today man , wanna go ly down on bed and rot cuz can't sleep (i have been playing my PSP everyday at night b4 sleep jus to force me to sleep after i play til tired, tt shld be ard 3am everyday from 12 i start lying on my bed)
~LowMoralOut~